2012 is coming! Three short years from today the world is supposed to end. What will kill us off? A shift of the poles? Massive floods? Earthquakes and tsunamis? What if the earth isn’t destroyed… but humankind instead? Say a plague similar to the Black Death of the 1340’s, also known as the Bubonic Plague. What if the world is to end in a Zombie apocalypse?!

I know, I know… it sounds crazy, but I was actually chastised by someone who I would call a close friend just the other day for not having a plan in place in case there were to be a Zombie apocalypse. (This was after she flipped out on me for disliking Christmas and wanting to save the Polar Bears…) I mean sure I understand if people are a little leery about 2012, dying is probably not a bubbly sensation! But a Zombie apocalypse… it sounds ridiculous. I then started to think about it, though, and I began to wonder if I was indeed prepared should there be a sort of Zombie invasion… I mean I don’t want to be the fool that laughed at the idea and gets killed in the first wave! So I started to do some research.

Let’s start with a few facts:

Fact: Zombies can only be killed by destroying their brain.

Fact: There are two types of Zombies – Solanum infected, and Voodoo.

Fact: The Solanum virus is not an airborne virus as it can only be transmitted through fluid exchange (kind of like an STD… but if you’re ever caught doing the deed with a Zombie you are not the sharpest crayon and deserve to be eaten.)

Fact: Zombies can’t swim, but may become water-logged and float to the surface. Zombies do not need oxygen as they are already dead though, so drowning is not an effective way to kill a Zombie. If forced into a watery situation… such as an ocean… a Zombie will likely walk on the bottom until it finds land again.

Fact: You should not eat a dead Zombie as Zombie flesh is extremely toxic.

Fact: There are no such things as animal Zombies. If your dog is bitten by a Zombie, or exchanges fluids with a Zombie (ie. Blood in an open wound… not what you were thinking…) your dog will not turn into a Zombie dog, it will die.

Fact: Zombies do not have the ability to procreate. Zombies also have no desire for sexual pleasure. A human cannot have a Zombie child. And enough with the idea of getting frisky with a Zombie… I am pretty sure that would be considered necrophilia seeing as Zombies are dead… and should you survive the act, necrophilia is never legal… and never okay… no matter how desperate you are…

“The human body, if cared for and trained properly, is the greatest weapon on earth. Americans are notorious for their bad diet, lack of exercise, and relentless fetish for labour-saving technology. As recognizable as the term “couch potato” is, a more accurate term would be “cattle”: fat, lazy, listless, and ready to be eaten. Weapon No. 1, the biological tool that is our body, can and must be transformed from prey to predator. Obey a strict diet and physical-fitness regimen. Concentrate on cardiovascular instead of strength-building exercise. Monitor any chronic health conditions you may have, no matter how small.” (The Zombie Survival Guide)

My current (relatively strict yet open to suggestion) diet consists of beer, and the odd bowl of soup. I am definitely not a “couch potato” seeing as I do not own a couch (phew!)… AND I walk to class every day. It is a relatively brisk walk considering I am usually late for class. So far I would say I am on track with this whole Zombie ordeal. So if I keep up the status quo I should be on the right track if Zombies do try to take over. It is advised that you learn one martial art… and I think that Tyler Durden, Mr. Kesuke Miyagi, Rocky Balboa, and Rambo have taught me much of what I need to know to fulfill that recommendation as well.

There are recommended weapons to use against Zombies: Axe, Hatchet, Crowbar, Japanese Katana, Machete, Morning Stars, Shaolin Spade, Incendiary Arrows, Heavy Machine Guns, and Assault Rifles to name a few. NEVER use power tools as primary weapons as fuel or battery power for these tools are finite. Chainsaws might look like fun, but it is not fun when you run out of fuel and have a horde of Zombies attacking you.

As for me, I think it would be extremely creepy if I kept any of these weapons in my room. First of all my roommates would not feel safe… and I am trying to find myself a girlfriend. Bringing a girl to my room when I have an axe hanging on my wall, and a series of crowbars, hammers, lead pipes, and maybe a machete or two stored away in my closet won’t help me. And if it does help me… I don’t think my mother would be proud of the girl that I am trying to woo.

I do, however, have a nice metal baseball bat that can be stored away, and it’s a normal enough object that no questions will be asked if seen lying around my room. This is not a generally recommended weapon to use as metal bats have been known to bend and warp after extended use against Zombies… but I am only trying to survive… I’m not trying to be a hero.

In terms of biological warfare, or poison, they have no effect on the undead. Fire can be used, but it will take a significant amount of time for fire to burn through a Zombies head… so use YOUR head and try something different. As for armour, you probably think that would be a good idea, but it’s not. A medieval suit of armour is not as durable as one might think, and chain mail is not only heavy, but loud as well. You could use a shark suit if you were hunting Zombies underwater… but we have already established I will be hiding and only killing Zombies that directly attack me. I will not be trying to be a hero, so armour? I will do without.

Where will I be if there is a Zombie Apocalypse? I can’t move about until I am sure there is a full out threat of Zombies to be worried about. So until I am sure there is a definite threat I will stay in my house and lock my doors. I have a rather large window in my room… so I will keep my metal bat handy just in case. When I am sure that there is a definite threat, I will have to move to another location that is more secure. I have thought of several locations that I could go to. First of all I would have to go to the DH (a local pub) for two reasons: liquid courage, and to save Val (if you’ve met Val you know why… she’s super sexy and knows how to pour a drink. Creepy if she’s reading this…). From there I would head to Forks, Washington to get Edward Cullen to help us out with the Zombie issue. Wow this post just got REALLY lame with the Twilight reference… let’s rewind… First of all I would have to go to the DH for two reasons: liquid courage, and to save Val (if you’ve met Val you know why… she’s super sexy and knows how to pour a drink. Creepy if she’s reading this…). From there I would head to a horse farm. Do I know how to ride a horse? No. But I will get in touch with my native roots pretty fast. You’re probably wondering why I chose to go to a horse farm. Well, horses run fast, and Zombies don’t. All I have to do is outrun the Zombies. I will then have many adventures with Shadowfax (yes I picked out a name already, named after Gandalf’s horse) and together we will go Inglorious Bastards style on the Zombies (I do realize I have made a full reversal from initially hiding and waiting the apocalypse out, but “going Inglorious Bastards style on the Zombies” just sounds epic) and after we have triumphed I might just write a children’s book about it: “Shadowfax the horse, and the Meanie Zombie Invasion.” Girls will love it because it’s about a horse, boys will love it because it’s about Zombies, and parents will love it because it’s educational. So am I ready for a Zombie Apocalypse…? Pshh am I ready?! Bring it on.