If I ever have a child, I will name it Typhon. That is assuming I rear a male. I think it is a good name, because it says, “I am strong, like a Greek sea monster!” Typhon was one of the largest and most fearsome of all creatures. His human upper half reached as high as the stars. His hands reached east and west and had a hundred dragon heads on each. His bottom half was gigantic viper coils that could reach the top of his head when stretched out and made a hissing noise. His whole body was covered in wings, and fire flashed from his eyes. The name screams bad-ass. Typhon was also defeated by Zeus and trapped underneath Mount Etna. This keeps my child with a level headed ego. He knows he is awesome (at least I hope that any child of mine would inherit my awesomeness), but he knows his place too.

If I rear a female, I would probably name her Astrid. This is obviously because of Astrid Njalsdotter, who was a Viking queen in Sweden from 1050-1060. Next to Queen Elizabeth II, Queen Astrid Njalsdotter is probably my favorite Queen. Don’t ask me why, she just is.

I like unique names. I am not the kind of guy that will change a common name like Jeffery into Geoffrey, or Ashley into Ashleigh for uniqueness. No. I think there are some damn fantastic names out there that people just never think to use. Instead of naming a child Banaing (which means son of the slayer), or Bardalph (which means Axe Wolf), a kid gets stuck with Bob. And I am sorry if you are reading this and your name is Bob, but Bob isn’t bad-ass, Bob is lazy, and Bob’s parents were definitely lazy when they were naming him.

“Gladys! What do we want to name this thing?!”

“Meh – Bob works.”

That was probably the dialogue his parents had.

Don’t get me wrong though, Bob does work. But do you want a name that just works? Or do you want a name that says, “I am going to kick ass and I won’t be taking no for an answer.” That’s the way I see it anyway. I am not hating on the Bob’s of the world though, I mean you don’t get to choose your name. But there are other names out there that are a little bland. How about John, Bill, Tom, or Mike (Michael), Mary, Susan, Betty, or Bertha! Those are pretty boring too.  

Keep on keeping on, even if you have a boring name.

Until next time,

AnarchistParty

Meet Bob.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet Batman.

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I once had a friend. He was a vampire.

“I’m a vampire” he said.

“Cool” I replied.

One day my vampire friend was having some trouble.

“I am having some trouble” he said.

“What’s wrong?” I replied.

He went on to explain how his credit card was cancelled.

“Apparently buying 150 litres of blood from Costco is considered “suspicious activity.”” The vampire said.

“They sell blood at Costco?” I was flabbergasted.

“I’m a vampire!” he cried.

“I know this…” I replied.

I thought to myself that if 150 litres of blood was bought on my credit card, I would want my credit card company to cancel my card as well. It seems pretty suspicious to me.

“What do you need 150 litres of blood for?” I asked.

“I am a vampire…” he said. That seems to be his response for everything.

It has only been three years since vampires came out into the open. Most people are scared of vampires. I mean they eat people.

“I don’t eat people.” That is what my friend said when we first met. I knew he was lying. There was a shoe lace coming out of the side of his mouth when he said this. I might have imagined that though.

“Cool.” I replied to him when we first met. I was apprehensive of him. I was apprehensive because I know that vampires eat people, and I saw the shoe lace. Or did I imagine the shoe lace?  When we got to know each other a little better at an all-human-forms cocktail party (essentially a party for humans and vampires) we made a deal for him never to eat me.

“Never eat me.” I told him.

“I don’t eat people…” he said. I knew he was lying, but I think that was his way of accepting the deal. I would say we are like pretty much good friends now. Not best friends. My dog is filling that position. I told my friend not to eat my dog either. Apparently vampires don’t eat dogs. But they say they don’t eat humans either. You can’t really trust a vampire. Except for my friend that’s a vampire. I would trust him. He is more of a friend than a vampire. Yeah. I guess what I am trying to say is to not trust a vampire if you don’t know him. Same reason you should never get into a strangers car when you are a child. You end up eaten either way. Well… no you end up dead either way. Unless the stranger lost his puppy, or has candy. I would always trust a stranger with candy. They are so nice! I digress.

Author of todays post.

Wow… four days after I posted something that I kinda liked… something that I cherish with almost every part of my being… it is absolutely ruined forever. I stumbled upon this site (don’t ask me how…) and look what I found.

NOT COOL! Why would you… HOW could you… there are no words to express how… heart broken I am to see this! One of the most majestic and magical creatures… DEFILED!

I don’t know guys… I do not know. I mean what is the world coming to?

Until next time, I’ll try to keep on keeping on…

AnarchistParty

You’d think that I would be blogging all the time now that my semester is over and summer has started, but since I have been out of school I have been on the job hunt so that I can pay for my next semester in September. That has been consuming a lot of my time. I have really been looking for a break so that I could sit on my ass and do jack… and when I am doing jack I really do not feel like writing. But there are a few things that I think the world needs to know, so I am here now.

I think I am going to go business style on this post and set out an agenda. First thing today, I need to get into a green rant. Things need to be said about the thought processes that people have concerning our environment. From the physical environment we are going to jump to the visual environment and talk a bit about yoga pants. And if I am talking about yoga pants I might as well say a few words on turtlenecks too. Lastly, the roommate that I wrote about (I think she needs a nickname for the purpose of this blog… from now on her name is ChiliPepperFan1988… nah that’s too long let’s call her Miss Scarlett – sidebar: Clue was probably the best board game evar) she says that I hate everything and whenever I talk to her I am always negative. This is slightly concerning to me so because of Miss Scarlett I am going to try and be a more positive person and I think I might try and write about something I like… like unicorns or something. Wow… I feel so organized right now.

Green. Probably my favorite colour. I prefer lime green over other greens though. Lime green is definitely superior. Anyway, there is a lot of talk about going green these days. Helping out the environment and relieving some of the damage that we cause to the environment simply by the way we live. A lot of the time people don’t take any action though, because they feel as though they won’t make a difference. People constantly say one person can’t make a difference. I say one person can. You can easily recycle an empty soda can, and you can easily throw it away too. But to throw it away just because your neighbour wouldn’t recycle it, or your best friend wouldn’t recycle it is wrong. I live in a town that has about 20,000 people, if everyone picked up one piece of garbage off the street every day, think about how much cleaner my town, or any town or city for that matter, would be! The whole green initiative these days has to be a team effort, and everyone should pitch in. You might not care about your own health, but the health of other people around you is affected by the way you live. And who cares about that one coffee cup, its only one cup right? Wrong. It is one more cup that can be recycled and reused. I talk a lot about recycling, because that’s a very easy thing to do. But there is so much more that we should work on to help save our earth. For example, in Windsor, ON Canada there is a site that is being threatened by big box retailers (specifically Wal-Mart). The City of Windsor wants to get Wal-Mart to build a retail outlet next to Ojibway Park. The park is home to a very rare and endangered ecosystem, and is one of the last remnants of the Tallgrass Prairie in Canada. This park has a greater biodiversity than Algonquin or the Bruce Peninsula, and it harbors more rare species than any other provincial park in Ontario. The building of this big box retail complex would put a significant strain on the ecosystem, create more pollution in the area, disrupt the water table, and pose a threat to the rare species found in Ojibway. There is a petition that can be signed, and I urge everyone to sign it. It can be found at http://saveojibway.info/ . They ask for your email address, but don’t worry they won’t spam you, it is only for verification. Signing this petition is taking a step in the right direction for a greener world. We are all in this together.

Phew… now that the serious business is taken care of… wait no there is one more very serious issue I need to talk about, yoga pants. YOGAAAAA! That’s a war cry of mine. It’s the (relatively) new fashion trend to wear yoga pants around. And hey, they are quite fantastic. But I’m just thinking that maybe there should be rules to yoga pants. I am all for the “YOGAAAA!” but I really don’t like the “yo….ga :[.” So I might be way out of line, but I think the world needs to start a “Yoga Pants Coalition.” You know, a sort of government that makes rules and regulations concerning the use of yoga pants. They should really be a controlled substance, because they can be deadly. I think what people need to realize is that yoga pants can be very revealing. If you have no ass… everyone will know. If you have too much ass… everyone will know. My rules are simple: ONE. if you are a guy, please do not wear yoga pants. I’ve had the awkward situation where I have been checking someone out from the rear only to find that they also have a beard. Not cool man… not cool at all. TWO. If you are 400 pounds overweight, yoga pants might not be for you. “Wow AnarchistParty! You sound like an asshole!” Well maybe I am! Maybe. I. Am. THREE. If you are wearing yoga pants, you either need to wear a thong, or nothing at all. I mean panty lines aren’t cool. Yoga pants are tight, so you need to think of these things! I of all people shouldn’t have to think of them for you. FOUR. Colour coordinate girls. Your pinks and reds rarely go together. Yoga pants are coming in all kinds of colours these days… but if you want to be classy, stick with the black. FIVE. Tights and yoga pants are different, you look like a retard when you think you are fooling people and just wearing tights. Give your head a shake! Regroup and try again.

For those of you who don’t know me too well, I have an odd obsession. I love vampires. I know, I know, I can hear all you trolls out there thinking “wow he’s gay” or “that’s gay” or “homo,” but I got into the vampire scene well before the Twilight saga ruined vampires. (I am totally team Edward though… just saying. Really, you team Jacob people out there think a dog is better than a vampire?! Think again children… think again.) Yes… Twilight did in fact ruin vampires. Without getting into a full out rant about Twilight… vampires do not sparkle, and I doubt they play baseball. Vampires should be badass, crazy muthfuckas that wreak havoc. They should be terrifying… I mean they suck blood!

Anyway, vampires actually have little to do with the message I am trying to convey here. All I have to say about vampires is that I think they instilled in me another fixation. Necks. When I am out in the world looking for a suitable mate for myself, instead of looking at a girl’s ass, or legs or breasts the first thing I look at is their neck (and follow up with the others previously stated – I’m still a guy). Anyway, this leads to the main message of the day – there is no such thing as a sexy turtleneck. There I’ve said it. I know all you turtleneck loving haters out there will never read my blog ever again. But really… when you are going to Church, by all means wear a turtleneck. When you are going to visit your grandmother, again turtleneck is the perfect attire. When you are going to teach kindergarten, you better damn well NOT be wearing a turtleneck because I’ll be visiting you around nap time! I kid, I kid haha. But the moment you wear a turtleneck out in public all hope is lost. It covers everything. If I was say… an arm kind of guy? I would still be at a loss! I don’t know, I think that a fixation on necks is a pretty odd thing, so I know a lot of guys probably don’t have this problem, but I thought that since the world reads my blog I should at least put it out there. Turtlenecks are Satan’s clothing and you will die if you wear them.

I guess I am at that point in this post where I have to talk about something I like. So here it goes. Unicorns are amazing creatures. It is very rare to spot them, but when you do see one, you will realize they are magical. Have I ever seen a unicorn? No, unfortunately I have not. How do I know they are real? Well you know how there are sea horses? There are also sea unicorns, only they are called Narwhal’s. What do I like so much about unicorns? Well first of all, they come in cooler colours than horses. Unicorns can be like pink, and blue, and probably ginger too (ginger unicorns don’t have souls though…). Unicorns can also fly! Their blood can make you live forever in Harry Potter, but you would never kill a unicorn, that’s ubber evil. Their tails can also be used in making magical wands, so best animal ever? Yeah. Probably.

IPU (Invisible Pink Unicorn) is also a goddess for a parody religion. So I mean I can’t find anything negative about unicorns at all. Are you happy Miss Scarlett? I hope so.

Until next time, keep on keeping on.

AnarchistParty

Rawr!

It’s funny what makes me want to write blog posts… right now my house smells of a mixture of girl shampoo and bacon. This smell… kills me. Some roommates have no respect. I have this one roommate though (or housemate rather) who is probably the coolest cat I have ever met (speaking of cats, check out the video at the bottom of this post… Cutest. Kitty video. Evarrr.) and she wrote this poem and she agreed to let me throw it up here. Who knows – it might make her famous.

Things you should know about my EPIC roommate:

– She has two nicknames: Little Red Riding Hood, Cousin IT

– She plays guitar, and bass

– She loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers, maybe too much…

– Favourite colour: Orange

– She is super old… going on 22

– She is half Asian… but might as well be full Asian while driving a car…

– She is a Tarot Master, and has slight ESP tendencies

– She thinks that I am a hermit… and I like that

– When it comes to beer, she is a tank… and I like that too

– She cooks a MEAN veggie burger, but thank god she’s not a vegetarian

– Never agree to cut onions for her, as you will never have the Asian knife mastery needed to cut the onions to the proper size. She will insist that they will “have more flavour” the way you cut them, but she is really insulting your onion cutting skills.

– She gets embarrassed very easily

– This roommate of mine is probably one of the best friends I have, and I am super lucky to be her friend. So when I complain about roommates, know that I would never be complaining about this roommate in particular.

So now that you know a bit about my friend, here is her poem:

grains of sand

as i look into this hourglass

i become so indecisive

the sands they hold a power

that i fear i cannot handle

.

been here, know this place well

it’s hardly worth it in the end

the expectation crushed by reality

when the sands’ cascade is complete

.

i’d like to change my point of view

feel free of doubt and shame

and dance the night away

i wanna take it with a grain

.

i want to do the right thing

i want to so bad

yet we frolic in the desert

thirsting for happiness

.

composed of glass

i’ve become from these grains of sand

here i am again

set the winds in motion

…………………………………………………………

And here is that cute video I found for you guys!

Epically, legendarily, cute.

Until next time, keep on keeping on.

AnarchistParty

Before we get started – I know the second and twenty-second of every month. I am scrapping that while I am in school. It is not feasible and it makes me feel guilty. Leave me alone.

I have been off Facebook for… almost 2 days now. I am going through withdrawals. As soon as I deleted my Facebook, I thought to myself, “I should update my status to tell people that I’m not on Facebook anymore…” but there is a problem with that. I no longer have a status! So I am sitting in front of my computer wondering to myself “what now?” Have I really consumed THAT much time with Facebook that I literally have no ideas of what to do with myself? I have now resorted to writing a blog post for a blog that few of my friends even know about.

What made me do this? Good question. I have been talking about deactivating it for a while – committing Facebook suicide. But talk is just talk, and I thought it was time to take the plunge. Perfect timing anyway, as the prowl has stopped for a bit as rejection has hit hard again. Wanting to pull a Bon Iver (If you don’t know who Bon Iver is… he is a current pocket band of mine, the story behind him is pretty sweet – I’ll put a link to a song below this post… feel privileged, I don’t do this for anyone…) and isolate myself in a small cabin in a forest, and leave everything behind, this is the best I will be able to do… for now anyway. This sounds depressing. See the thing is… I love humanity, but I hate people. People are frustrating and complicated. Who needs people?    

Good things have happened since I have been off Facebook! Seeing as I have extra time on my hands I need to find other amusing things to do. A lot of people have recently been calling me Recyclops, a fictional character that Dwight Schrute plays every Earth Day on The Office. They call me this because I have recently been increasingly concerned about the state of our environment. In my university there is an area for business students to socialize, hang out, and study with other conceited and pretentious business students. I hang out there sometimes… and my blood BOILS! All these people are throwing out their coffee cups! Everyone should know that the plastic tops and the cardboard-ish cups are both recyclable! A problem, though, is that there is only one recycle bin in the student lounge, and business students (and other students who have a big enough ego to fit in) throw garbage in the recycle bin along with recyclables – because they are really smart – and therefore leave the recycle bin ineffective. (I seem to have quite a bit of pent up anger for the Business program, I must add that there are a few cool cats in the Business program, and I am in Business myself so I really shouldn’t knock them too hard… most business students act extremely conceited sometimes and that really bothers me – CALL OUT TO JESSE BAUER AND HARVARD!!)

Anyway, back to the story at hand… I raised enough hell in the right places to get a three tier recycle / garbage bin in the student lounge so that everything is divided and organized simply so everyone can help save the environment. It also gives students no excuse to not recycle, and me the right to bitch people out who don’t. I see this as a small victory for me… and who knows… if I had Facebook maybe I wouldn’t have ever done this! I probably would have resorted to a Facebook group / Fan Page / angry status update. And really… talk is just talk until you actually do something.

What else have I done without Facebook? I don’t know… its only been two days, although that is like a year and a half in Facebook time. I am just hoping that good things come from this change, and so far I have seen good things.

And guys, I have been working on an epic tale about my roommates and me and drama… its going to be great and I will be posting it here as soon as it is done. So buckle up and get ready!

Until next time, keep on keeping on.

AnarchistParty

            Were you ever walking in the mall and you had a double take on a child? Not because the child was good looking – because that would be wrong… but because the child was attached to a leash?! And I am not talking about a metaphorical leash saying that the child is whipped into shape… an actual leash attached to them so that they don’t run off. I want to take this opportunity to say: “Thank you mum and dad, for not keeping me attached to a leash. Thank you mum and dad for having proper parenting skills. I am better mentally for that.”

Do you really get so distracted that you can’t pay attention to your child?! Or is your child a seeing eye child? I am confused as to why else you would need a leash. As I have already stated I was fortunate to not be a leash child, but I can only assume that it is traumatic! I have a genius idea… hold your child’s hand! Its called LOVE!

This is a mother taking her children out for a walk… much like the way I take my dog for walks.

This child looks so happy! ……………… The monkey on his back is showing him more love than his parents ever will.

I just really hope it doesn’t turn into this:

This… is a great concern to me.

Everyone, we must be united against the use of leashes on our young! Band together and stop negligent parents, and give the youth of our world a little bit more love.

Until next time, keep on keeping on,

AnarchistParty

Guys, I have dropped the ball already. I am sorry, but I have been busy with midterms and assignments and such. University life: its balls.

When I write a post for AnarchistParty I tend to want to rant. Today, I feel different. I don’t really feel like ranting because today has been awesome. I woke up today, no one was home. I made a coffee made some breakfast and let my puppy outside and then… nothing. I am now sitting in front of a laptop that isn’t mine and listening to Leonard Cohen. I am being interrupted by my puppy once in a while… but I give her a piece of dry cold toast that was in my toaster this morning and she is the happiest puppy ever. You got to love how easily puppies are amused.

Lately I have been becoming a bit of an environmentalist, and with the state of the world today I think that protecting the environment is something that is very important for everyone. We have been destroying this world for years. It has been dying before I was a thought to existence. So is it our fault for what is happening to our environment? Maybe our impact is not as bad as previous generations, but I am no Environmental Scientist… so I am not really in the position to ante in on who has hurt the earth the most. But it is small situations like this, watching a happy little puppy run around, or a little squirrel run up a tree, stray cats outside fighting each other for a can of tuna… well maybe not the last one, but the little things make me realize that we really are the visitors here no matter who cliché that might sound. We have the power to turn this world around, but what are we doing to make this happen?

I recently watched a video of a conference that was held in Ontario Canada, and it was one guy talking about the global economy, the environment, and oil. He explained how the idea that we are running out of oil is a fallacy. We are running out of convenient oil to burn. Slowly the gas prices will be up to seven dollars a litre because the cost of extracting the oil will be extremely expensive (not only that, it will also be using hundreds of thousands of gallons of fresh water as well… aren’t there parts of the world desperately in need of fresh water?). I have said for years that I would not mind paying three or four dollars a litre if I knew that tax money from gasoline (we all know gas is heavily taxed) was going to help clean the environment, to reduce the impact from my consumption of that gasoline. We know that our tax money from gasoline does not go to anything like that though.

The guy giving the talk also spoke a bit about Kyoto, and how it was never meant to stop CO2 emissions, nor was it meant to stop the pollution of the world. All it was going to do is redistribute the impact so that CO2 emissions were spread over a wider area, and in effect less concentrated. As I said before, I am no scientist… but the air is the air. It moves around. One country ALWAYS affects the other. And CO2 is CO2, no matter what country you’re from. Great minds of the world at work on that one eh…

The link to this video will be put below the post, I urge everyone to check it out.

This world is a really beautiful place. You might live in a rough neighbourhood, or downtown in a large city, or you might be “down in the dumps” and everything might be going wrong for you, but this world is the only one we have. If you are not recycling – think about the innocent puppies of the world. If you are grocery shopping – look for the least amount of plastic packaging… the little squirrels will thank you. If you can walk and enjoy the stray cats fighting instead of driving – do that too! It is time we start caring, its time we start looking out for ourselves and the ones that can’t help themselves. If you are a University student, or a high school student, keep your campuses clean! There are garbage’s and recycle bins everywhere these days. If you are an elementary school teacher, we all know that a lot of what you learn in elementary school is bull shit – take your class outside and clean up! I remember getting in trouble in elementary school (a lot) and picking up garbage was considered to be a punishment! Why would we want that to be a punishment for children? Does that not give a negative connotation to the idea of keeping our world clean? Stop throwing away your recyclables… that’s putting us on a path that can only lead to further destruction of our planet. Let’s all just start being socially responsible, if you don’t care about your planet, please care about mine.

Keep on keeping on,

A Concerned World-Citizen

AnarchistParty

I mean seriously… are they fighting or hugging?! I love cute kitty pictures…

So my facebook status has been set to “single” for quite a while now, and I am getting quite concerned. Not only that, I think my parents might be thinking I jumped ship and started batting in a different ballpark. Now I haven’t begun cottaging, and I wouldn’t consider myself a shirtlifter… although I do enjoy a nice piece of fudge from time to time… I mean I am still flying straight as an arrow. I would really enjoy some companionship, though, and I think it is time I get back on the prowl.

A friend, whom I would even call a best friend, has suggested to me that I should put together a list of qualities I want in a girl. I think this is a really good idea, because then I can narrow down potential mates. (P.S. I think that we should get rid of the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” and replace them with “girl-mate” and “boy-mate”… just a suggestion to the world.) Initially, I was only going to give this list of qualities to my said best friend, but then I thought the best way to find a potential mate is to have more and more people looking out for me! So folks, here is the list. Post potential mates facebook/myspace/twitter page urls, phone numbers, descriptions of character, e-mails, addresses (with postal / zip codes), and anything else that could be useful for me in the comment section below. Actually that would be really creepy… I would be very impressed and flattered if anyone commented with all that information on this post… but really you probably shouldn’t for ethical reasons. Depending on your morals though… I guess you could post… I don’t know… I am going to pull a Pontius Pilot and wash my hands of it… do what you please. 

– They must appreciate Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Journey, Kansas, and other epic musical artists that have essentially created music as we know it.

– Follow up to previous requirement: They must not be into Lady Gaga, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, or get nostalgic over Backstreet Boys or N’Sync, or even O-Town… no matter how catchy their tunes may be. Yes, I do know there is a party in the USA… and I am tired of hearing about it. 

– They must have seen and enjoyed Fight Club.

– They must appreciate the awesomeness of vampires.

– They must not be fans of Twilight because Twilight ruined vampires.

– They must be open to the idea of the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, or at least put up with my fantasy of one.

– She must have arms… to make sandwiches with.

– I don’t care too much about hair colour, but brown is preferred and blonde is least preferred, everyone needs loving though so I mean… not that big of a deal.

– Must never wear turtlenecks… I HATE turtlenecks.

– Must follow the rules of yoga pants… if you don’t know the rules of yoga pants stay tuned because I will have a post about them in the near future.

– She must drink beer, and Alexander Keith could probably be her God and I wouldn’t mind. She should not be into Coors or Budweiser or all the extremely mainstream heavily advertised beers. Hobgoblin, Smithwicks, Old Speckled Hen, Sapporo, and Moosehead are good for anyone’s beer repertoire.   

– Follow up to previous requirement: She should also be classy and drink wine… or martini’s because I like those too… or anything with vodka in it… if she drinks crown on the rocks I wouldn’t date her – I would probably just marry her.

– She must be really chill, and calm… definitely not hyperactive. If I wanted a child… I could have had one in high school.

– Now something VERY important: She has got to know how to cook. Nothing spectacular (the more spectacular the better of course) but at least basic stuff like pasta and definitely sandwiches. I really like ham sandwiches, and turkey (with real turkey not lunch meat), I like tomato sandwiches – but that’s probably obvious because I also like tomato soup, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, but never peanut butter on its own. I also like shwarma… please take note.

That is all I have for now, but I will be sure to update this list as needed, and to keep everyone updated on the progress of the prowl.

Until next time, keep on keeping on. 

AnarchistParty

Hey guys,

I know its not the 22nd yet… but I came across these things and due to my fascination with zombies lately I thought I had to show everyone.

The first is an article I found from BBC newsabout the University of Ottawa doing research about zombies… this is the link to the article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/science/nature/8206280.stm it is also pasted below:

BBC NEWS
Science ponders ‘zombie attack’

By Pallab Ghosh
Science correspondent, BBC News

 

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada.

They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the fictional creatures.

The scientific paper is published in a book – Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress.

In books, films, video games and folklore, zombies are undead creatures, able to turn the living into other zombies with a bite.

But there is a serious side to the work.

In some respects, a zombie “plague” resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection. The researchers say the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.

My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it’s dead forever
Professor Neil Ferguson

In their study, the researchers from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University (also in Ottawa) posed a question: If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?

Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his surname and not a typographical mistake) and colleagues wrote: “We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies.

“We introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions.”

To give the living a fighting chance, the researchers chose “classic” slow-moving zombies as our opponents rather than the nimble, intelligent creatures portrayed in some recent films.

“While we are trying to be as broad as possible in modelling zombies – especially as there are many variables – we have decided not to consider these individuals,” the researchers said.

Back for good?

Even so, their analysis revealed that a strategy of capturing or curing the zombies would only put off the inevitable.

In their scientific paper, the authors conclude that humanity’s only hope is to “hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often”.

They added: “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else… we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

According to the researchers, the key difference between the zombies and the spread of real infections is that “zombies can come back to life”.

Professor Neil Ferguson, who is one of the UK government’s chief advisers on controlling the spread of swine flu, said the study did have parallels with some infectious diseases.

“None of them actually cause large-scale death or disease, but certainly there are some fungal infections which are difficult to eradicate,” said Professor Ferguson, from Imperial College London.

“There are some viral infections – simple diseases like chicken pox have survived in very small communities. If you get it when you are very young, the virus stays with you and can re-occur as shingles, triggering a new chicken pox epidemic.”

Professor Smith? told BBC News: “When you try to model an unfamiliar disease, you try to find out what’s happening, try to approximate it. You then refine it, go back and try again.”

“We refined the model again and again to say… here’s how you would tackle an unfamiliar disease.”

Professor Ferguson went on to joke: “The paper considers something that many of us have worried about – particularly in our younger days – of what would be a feasible way of tackling an outbreak of a rapidly spreading zombie infection.

“My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it’s dead forever. So perhaps they are being a little over-pessimistic when they conclude that zombies might take over a city in three or four days.”

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Now for the second thing I came across… I was viewing a few other blogs on wordpress.com and came across a blog called “Unleash the Flying Monkeys.” With a blog name like that I had to check it out. I get reading about this zombie named Otto and this movie that she watched. The blogger is a single mum, and she has a degree in accounting (yeah i did the full background check) so i know she sounds a little boring… and I was totally going to put a plug in for her but I just started reading her blog and it is kinda boring haha. Anyway she posted this and I though I had to pass it on…

Really? A movie that is basically gay zombie porn? I don’t know if I should be impressed or disgusted…