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I once had a friend. He was a vampire.

“I’m a vampire” he said.

“Cool” I replied.

One day my vampire friend was having some trouble.

“I am having some trouble” he said.

“What’s wrong?” I replied.

He went on to explain how his credit card was cancelled.

“Apparently buying 150 litres of blood from Costco is considered “suspicious activity.”” The vampire said.

“They sell blood at Costco?” I was flabbergasted.

“I’m a vampire!” he cried.

“I know this…” I replied.

I thought to myself that if 150 litres of blood was bought on my credit card, I would want my credit card company to cancel my card as well. It seems pretty suspicious to me.

“What do you need 150 litres of blood for?” I asked.

“I am a vampire…” he said. That seems to be his response for everything.

It has only been three years since vampires came out into the open. Most people are scared of vampires. I mean they eat people.

“I don’t eat people.” That is what my friend said when we first met. I knew he was lying. There was a shoe lace coming out of the side of his mouth when he said this. I might have imagined that though.

“Cool.” I replied to him when we first met. I was apprehensive of him. I was apprehensive because I know that vampires eat people, and I saw the shoe lace. Or did I imagine the shoe lace?  When we got to know each other a little better at an all-human-forms cocktail party (essentially a party for humans and vampires) we made a deal for him never to eat me.

“Never eat me.” I told him.

“I don’t eat people…” he said. I knew he was lying, but I think that was his way of accepting the deal. I would say we are like pretty much good friends now. Not best friends. My dog is filling that position. I told my friend not to eat my dog either. Apparently vampires don’t eat dogs. But they say they don’t eat humans either. You can’t really trust a vampire. Except for my friend that’s a vampire. I would trust him. He is more of a friend than a vampire. Yeah. I guess what I am trying to say is to not trust a vampire if you don’t know him. Same reason you should never get into a strangers car when you are a child. You end up eaten either way. Well… no you end up dead either way. Unless the stranger lost his puppy, or has candy. I would always trust a stranger with candy. They are so nice! I digress.

Author of todays post.

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You’d think that I would be blogging all the time now that my semester is over and summer has started, but since I have been out of school I have been on the job hunt so that I can pay for my next semester in September. That has been consuming a lot of my time. I have really been looking for a break so that I could sit on my ass and do jack… and when I am doing jack I really do not feel like writing. But there are a few things that I think the world needs to know, so I am here now.

I think I am going to go business style on this post and set out an agenda. First thing today, I need to get into a green rant. Things need to be said about the thought processes that people have concerning our environment. From the physical environment we are going to jump to the visual environment and talk a bit about yoga pants. And if I am talking about yoga pants I might as well say a few words on turtlenecks too. Lastly, the roommate that I wrote about (I think she needs a nickname for the purpose of this blog… from now on her name is ChiliPepperFan1988… nah that’s too long let’s call her Miss Scarlett – sidebar: Clue was probably the best board game evar) she says that I hate everything and whenever I talk to her I am always negative. This is slightly concerning to me so because of Miss Scarlett I am going to try and be a more positive person and I think I might try and write about something I like… like unicorns or something. Wow… I feel so organized right now.

Green. Probably my favorite colour. I prefer lime green over other greens though. Lime green is definitely superior. Anyway, there is a lot of talk about going green these days. Helping out the environment and relieving some of the damage that we cause to the environment simply by the way we live. A lot of the time people don’t take any action though, because they feel as though they won’t make a difference. People constantly say one person can’t make a difference. I say one person can. You can easily recycle an empty soda can, and you can easily throw it away too. But to throw it away just because your neighbour wouldn’t recycle it, or your best friend wouldn’t recycle it is wrong. I live in a town that has about 20,000 people, if everyone picked up one piece of garbage off the street every day, think about how much cleaner my town, or any town or city for that matter, would be! The whole green initiative these days has to be a team effort, and everyone should pitch in. You might not care about your own health, but the health of other people around you is affected by the way you live. And who cares about that one coffee cup, its only one cup right? Wrong. It is one more cup that can be recycled and reused. I talk a lot about recycling, because that’s a very easy thing to do. But there is so much more that we should work on to help save our earth. For example, in Windsor, ON Canada there is a site that is being threatened by big box retailers (specifically Wal-Mart). The City of Windsor wants to get Wal-Mart to build a retail outlet next to Ojibway Park. The park is home to a very rare and endangered ecosystem, and is one of the last remnants of the Tallgrass Prairie in Canada. This park has a greater biodiversity than Algonquin or the Bruce Peninsula, and it harbors more rare species than any other provincial park in Ontario. The building of this big box retail complex would put a significant strain on the ecosystem, create more pollution in the area, disrupt the water table, and pose a threat to the rare species found in Ojibway. There is a petition that can be signed, and I urge everyone to sign it. It can be found at http://saveojibway.info/ . They ask for your email address, but don’t worry they won’t spam you, it is only for verification. Signing this petition is taking a step in the right direction for a greener world. We are all in this together.

Phew… now that the serious business is taken care of… wait no there is one more very serious issue I need to talk about, yoga pants. YOGAAAAA! That’s a war cry of mine. It’s the (relatively) new fashion trend to wear yoga pants around. And hey, they are quite fantastic. But I’m just thinking that maybe there should be rules to yoga pants. I am all for the “YOGAAAA!” but I really don’t like the “yo….ga :[.” So I might be way out of line, but I think the world needs to start a “Yoga Pants Coalition.” You know, a sort of government that makes rules and regulations concerning the use of yoga pants. They should really be a controlled substance, because they can be deadly. I think what people need to realize is that yoga pants can be very revealing. If you have no ass… everyone will know. If you have too much ass… everyone will know. My rules are simple: ONE. if you are a guy, please do not wear yoga pants. I’ve had the awkward situation where I have been checking someone out from the rear only to find that they also have a beard. Not cool man… not cool at all. TWO. If you are 400 pounds overweight, yoga pants might not be for you. “Wow AnarchistParty! You sound like an asshole!” Well maybe I am! Maybe. I. Am. THREE. If you are wearing yoga pants, you either need to wear a thong, or nothing at all. I mean panty lines aren’t cool. Yoga pants are tight, so you need to think of these things! I of all people shouldn’t have to think of them for you. FOUR. Colour coordinate girls. Your pinks and reds rarely go together. Yoga pants are coming in all kinds of colours these days… but if you want to be classy, stick with the black. FIVE. Tights and yoga pants are different, you look like a retard when you think you are fooling people and just wearing tights. Give your head a shake! Regroup and try again.

For those of you who don’t know me too well, I have an odd obsession. I love vampires. I know, I know, I can hear all you trolls out there thinking “wow he’s gay” or “that’s gay” or “homo,” but I got into the vampire scene well before the Twilight saga ruined vampires. (I am totally team Edward though… just saying. Really, you team Jacob people out there think a dog is better than a vampire?! Think again children… think again.) Yes… Twilight did in fact ruin vampires. Without getting into a full out rant about Twilight… vampires do not sparkle, and I doubt they play baseball. Vampires should be badass, crazy muthfuckas that wreak havoc. They should be terrifying… I mean they suck blood!

Anyway, vampires actually have little to do with the message I am trying to convey here. All I have to say about vampires is that I think they instilled in me another fixation. Necks. When I am out in the world looking for a suitable mate for myself, instead of looking at a girl’s ass, or legs or breasts the first thing I look at is their neck (and follow up with the others previously stated – I’m still a guy). Anyway, this leads to the main message of the day – there is no such thing as a sexy turtleneck. There I’ve said it. I know all you turtleneck loving haters out there will never read my blog ever again. But really… when you are going to Church, by all means wear a turtleneck. When you are going to visit your grandmother, again turtleneck is the perfect attire. When you are going to teach kindergarten, you better damn well NOT be wearing a turtleneck because I’ll be visiting you around nap time! I kid, I kid haha. But the moment you wear a turtleneck out in public all hope is lost. It covers everything. If I was say… an arm kind of guy? I would still be at a loss! I don’t know, I think that a fixation on necks is a pretty odd thing, so I know a lot of guys probably don’t have this problem, but I thought that since the world reads my blog I should at least put it out there. Turtlenecks are Satan’s clothing and you will die if you wear them.

I guess I am at that point in this post where I have to talk about something I like. So here it goes. Unicorns are amazing creatures. It is very rare to spot them, but when you do see one, you will realize they are magical. Have I ever seen a unicorn? No, unfortunately I have not. How do I know they are real? Well you know how there are sea horses? There are also sea unicorns, only they are called Narwhal’s. What do I like so much about unicorns? Well first of all, they come in cooler colours than horses. Unicorns can be like pink, and blue, and probably ginger too (ginger unicorns don’t have souls though…). Unicorns can also fly! Their blood can make you live forever in Harry Potter, but you would never kill a unicorn, that’s ubber evil. Their tails can also be used in making magical wands, so best animal ever? Yeah. Probably.

IPU (Invisible Pink Unicorn) is also a goddess for a parody religion. So I mean I can’t find anything negative about unicorns at all. Are you happy Miss Scarlett? I hope so.

Until next time, keep on keeping on.

AnarchistParty

Rawr!